Deserving to belong
Photo by Olivia Da Costa
‘Imposter Syndrome’ is a term that I hear being increasingly used, tentatively so by the older generations of musicians and almost indifferently by my peers. To have felt like you don’t belong or don't deserve to participate seems to be a universal experience, taking a hold of orchestral musicians, pit musicians, singers, soloists, composers, teachers … there’s no end to the list of its victims. So if everyone’s felt like an outsider at some point, who exactly is on the inside? Who resides inside the gated community that we all so desperately want to be a part of?
When I quit auditioning for orchestras last year, I resigned myself to the idea that my career trajectory had probably reached its half-hearted peak and would be taking a depressing downwards turn from then on. I had decided that I was unable to keep putting myself in the crossfire of rejection anymore, and as a consequence, I imagined the music industry would forget about me, just as I had been explicitly told at music college: “the only way to get work is to keep auditioning, keep putting yourself out there and keep going until something sticks”.
“It whispers in my ear that other people deserve to be in my seat more than me”
Ironically, I am now busier than ever and taking part in a more varied and diverse array of projects than I could ever have hoped for. This means though that I am constantly in new environments, chopping and changing between baroque/show pits/orchestras/pop covers, and Imposter Syndrome manages to follow me to each of my endeavours. It whispers in my ear that other people deserve to be in my seat more than me and that no one will take me seriously as a musician if I don’t specialise in one niche area. “If you weren’t successful at auditioning, what makes you think you can trick people in thinking you’re any good elsewhere?”
One of the most difficult pieces I’ve undertaken to date is Bach’s Brandenburg Concerto no. 2, which I performed on the natural trumpet in Spring this year. Of course, the preparation for it took over my life and I became consumed by premonitions of totally f***ing it up in the concert. I couldn’t help but feel that somebody had made a mistake somewhere along the line, and that I wasn’t meant to be asked. But as I sat in the cold church on the day of the gig listening to the ensemble rehearse the other Brandenburgs, I realised there was an angle to my Imposter Syndrome that I hadn’t considered.
I spontaneously wrote on Instagram, “Is it imposter syndrome or have you been consistently and methodically made to feel ‘not good enough’ by teachers, colleagues and the industry? Has your sense of self-worth & skill been so battered that even just saying yes and showing up is a daily mountain to climb? Of course your feelings are valid but perhaps you’re not the problem. It might be everything else. We live in an incredibly individualistic society that places the onus on the person, but fails to recognise the impact of a broken education system and working landscape.”
“Like an abuser who relies on gaslighting to maintain their power, their victim then turns on themselves and starts to question their own validity.”
And I think many of us can resonate with this. Perhaps we are not experiencing a disorder of the self, but rather the long-term effects of disordered surroundings. Like an abuser who relies on gaslighting to maintain their power, their victim then turns on themselves and starts to question their own validity. When the educational and professional settings become places of utter toxicity and oftentimes abuse, isn’t it understandable that we internalise these conditions of worth (and lack thereof) that are placed upon us?
Photo by Olivia Da Costa
“Sometimes I wonder whether it’s actually easier to think of yourself as an outsider rather than constantly wondering why your insider-status feels so difficult to attain and keep a hold of.“
It seems clear from reports like Donne’s Equality & Diversity in Global Repertoire (Orchestras Season 2023-2024) and the House of Commons Committee’s Misogyny in music that many of us will be othered before even playing a note. We are literally racial and/or gender intruders. Then, play a note, and be at risk of encountering a teacher who doesn’t adequately recognise their position of privilege and power, an insecure colleague who snarks something flippant which stays with you for the rest of your career, the fixer who never books you again without providing feedback. Sometimes I wonder whether it’s actually easier to think of yourself as an outsider rather than constantly wondering why your insider-status feels so difficult to attain and keep a hold of.
So why is it so important to talk about Imposter Syndrome? Clearly I am invested in the woke mental health agenda, but this topic undoubtedly has links to the music industry’s total failure to create safe, diverse and equitable spaces for its workforce. And if we go by our boy Maslow’s workings, these are pretty basic human needs that are not being met.