The signs of a toxic music teacher that no one talks about
By Hattie Butterworth
The parallels between psychological abuse within romantic relationships and within student-teacher relationships are alarming - is gaslighting the definition we have missed?
‘Are music teachers really like the one in Whiplash?’ My non-musician friends would often ask this question and I would say no. I didn’t want to watch the 2014 psychological thriller about a drummer and his relationship to his toxic music teacher because I knew it would hit too hard.
Watching Netflix’s 2021 film Falling For Figaro last night was similarly triggering as Joanna Lumley poses as the eccentric, toxic and all-consuming professor that we are taught to revere. I know people would come away from that film likely endeared to Lumley’s intensity, and that angers me. We are taught that toxicity is synonymous with great teaching.
Awareness for domestic and sexual abuse is encountering a greater fountain of awareness, but those suffering within the classical music world are still buried in the dark. Often hailed as ‘brilliant’, teachers with psychologically abusive tendencies are protected by the romanticisms of the industry.
Digging deeper
My research began with general abuse descriptions through pages on womenslaw.org. The hairs at the back of my neck stood up as I saw such an intense parallel between what I had read and the realities of toxic and abusive music teachers: ‘You may experience feelings of confusion, anxiety, shame, guilt, frequent crying, over-compliance, powerlessness, and more. You may stay in the relationship and try to bargain with the abuser or try to change the abuser’s behaviour, often placing blame on yourself, even though you are not at fault..’
That is the situation that I have heard, counselled friends through and witnessed in performance and masterclasses. Looking back on teacher relationships it can often be hard to pin-point exactly why the behaviour felt so intensely damaging. This is why abuse is so sinister. It creeps in and takes hold of the sufferer, leading them to believe that they are at fault and faulty generally.
The main issue at hand
Emerging from the flames of deep research into forms of abuse, a word emerged to describe the experiences of many musicians, including myself, who have been held in the grips of a toxic teacher - gaslighting.
‘Gaslighting is a form of emotional and psychological abuse that tends to happen gradually in a relationship.’ The Domestic Violence Hotline explains that gaslighting will lead an abuser to ‘twist your emotions, words, and experiences and use them against you, which causes you to question your reality, to doubt your own judgment and memory.’
At this stage it is still unclear about whether this description full aligns itself with people’s experiences within music. As the examples are laid out, things look different.
Signs that you are experiencing gaslighting (including a potential example) include:
feeling confused, “crazy,” and constantly second-guessing yourself;
Confused why their reaction/teaching isn’t in line with the work you have put in
constantly questioning if you are being “too sensitive”;
Finding it difficult not to cry, or staying silent in lessons, due to the environment feeling so intense, but believing this is your fault
having trouble making simple decisions
Not being able to decide what repertoire to learn, what to play for your exam or in your lesson, due to the extreme emotional stress involved
constantly apologizing to your teacher;
Apologising for not practicing enough, or not understanding their comments, or not being able to grasp a concept they are teaching you
frequently making excuses for your teacher’s behavior;
Remembering that ‘last time it wasn’t as bad, so maybe they’re just having a hard day’ or ‘they had an awful past so it makes sense that they’re a bit messed up’
finding yourself withholding information from loved ones;
Not wanting to tell your family/friends about your teacher’s treatment of you in case they tell you to leave and have to confront the professor
starting to lie to avoid the put-downs or reality twists;
Pretending you’ve been busy and haven’t had time to practice so that it doesn’t feel like all your work has been for ‘nothing’
feeling as though you can’t do anything right; and
You write down everything they say, play all the right repertoire, practice tonnes and attend all their concerts and yet, you are still treated terribly
wondering if you are a “good enough” student.
Comparing yourself to their other students and thinking that ‘they are coping, so why aren’t I’ - this then leads you to believe that it must be you just not being a good enough musician and that you deserve the treatment you’re getting from them
‘It’s not all bad’
Abusive behaviour is often interspersed with warmth, affection and kindness, slowly desensitising the victim to the behaviour. You may have heard that a teacher can be difficult or rude, but in your first few months with them, everything seems to be going well. You aren’t sure what everyone was talking about and this makes you feel special.
When the lessons are going well, you cling to it, telling yourself that it’s an honour to be taught by this person, thinking about their past pupils and romanticising what it could mean to have them on your CV. The abuse that inevitably follows is not important in comparison. You make excuses for them time and time again.
Nearly half (48%) of survivors reported regularly being told they were mentally unstable, and over half regularly experienced control in who they could speak to, meet socially or spend time with.
Often teachers will control what performances you are allowed to do, what repertoire you are allowed to play and who you can and can’t have lessons with. Growing musically beyond their bubble must often be done in secret, because you know they may chastise you for ‘not being ready’ or for prioritising chamber music over solo playing.
We are restricted as musicians as professors abuse their power to control, feed their egos and feel closer to their students. It’s a trap that many are still circling in music schools and conservatoires today and feel stuck in.
Getting out
Much like a toxic romantic relationship, it can be so impossibly hard to exit from an abusive teacher. You feel caught in the cycle of affection and subsequent abuse, unable to believe the issue lies with anyone other than you. You may feel emotionally dependent on them and unable to imagine your life without their ‘guidance’.
It’s important to be aware of this, and not to shame others who don’t feel ready to exit a teacher relationship yet. If they begin to mention the abuse they are suffering, often this is a major step in them coming to terms with it, but it’s important not to meet this with pressure on them to make a decision.
Within music conservatoires, often the first port of call for changing teacher is the head of a department. Sometimes this person is close to your instrumental professor and this can make things really complicated. You may not feel able to face your teacher in person to speak about how you’ve been feeling, and this is ok. It’s not a cop out to begin the process over email or a phone call.
Often it may be helpful to find a therapist to help you through the process of leaving the relationship, or processing it once you’ve left. Help Musicians UK has funding available for therapy through their Music Minds Matter scheme, as does the Royal Society of Musicians. You must prioritise your mental wellbeing whilst you’re going through this change and ask for what you need if at all possible.
Reaching out
Sadly, abusive experiences are very common among musician-teacher relationships. You won’t have to look very far to find someone who has dealt with a similar experience. Share as much or little as you feel comfortable with, but also don’t feel ashamed if you need to keep the details within a small bubble of people that you can trust.
Sending huge amounts of love, support and understanding to those dealing with difficult teacher relationships at the moment. We see you.
Find resources here on discrimination and harassment
And here for